There has been no loss of memory here. I know the events that took place in my life over the past 10 years. And Steph is still around, more like a sister now than a friend. But that other girl in the photo; she died a long time ago.

I say this because perhaps, you too, had an experience when one door, the door that you went in and out of all the time, that door slammed shut forever. And no matter what you do, it can’t be opened again. Maybe you made a decision that turned your life in another direction; maybe you walked away from an opportunity. Maybe you got a serious phone call. Maybe someone who you thought would sustain you died or simply went away. The door slammed with a bang. And you are left alone, wondering, asking what to do or where to go next.

This is not an easy place to be. Some people call it “limbo”. Dr Suess refers to it as The Waiting Place. Once you’re there, it hardly matters how you got there. What matters is how do you get out? I don’t think songs, movies, playwrights or philosophers offer much of a solution here. The fact is, we’re all at a loss for words when the wounded ask, “How do I stop feeling this way?”

I asked myself that question a lot over the past 2 years. I asked other people too: friends, ministers, and counselors. Nobody really knew. But looking back now, I may have been asking the wrong question. I know how to get out of bed in the morning. I know how to participate. Heck, we’re all pretty good at hiding our emotions by the time we hit grammar school. So maybe what I really wanted to know was why? Why go forward when I feel I may have lost all that made me happy?

I know what you’re thinking. There are a few cliché answers here. Family… Friends. Surely that is enough. But my parents are not here every day and any child with enough guilt will tell you mom and dad might’ve been able to retire early if it wasn’t for the grief we give them. And my friends are experts at “moving on”. They’d survive without me. Though it sounds noble, I don’t live and breathe for the happiness of those I love. And even if I’m just afraid of wounding them, these are really just reasons for not committing suicide. These aren’t reasons to LIVE.

What does get me up in the morning? What makes me “hang in there”? Well….

I love the journey.

I have always believed the scientific theory that for every action, thee is an equal and opposite reaction. Waiting just around the bend is another surprise. Life is never sorrow without joy. If you are wounded, ready to give up; stick around, kid. Things are about to change. This is a guarantee.

Until you embrace the failure as much as the success, you will have trouble living.

I used to scoff when I read of Saint Paul rejoicing in his sufferings. What an idiot! But now I realise he might not have been dancing in jail cell. But maybe he had comfy peace about him that came from knowing that the good part was yet to happen.

Believe it or not, sometimes, in the middle of my teary eyed fits I throw, (And yeah, I still do that) I sometimes make a little nod to God and thank him for this great chance to build character. (I’ve had a lot of practice so I also wonder if he is grooming me to lead a nation or parent the first leader of the United Earth. heh hehe.)

My journey is bittersweet. I’ve taken some knocks, met some real creeps and cheated a few fellow travelers. For my mistakes, I’ve paid dearly, but I’ve learned. Finally, I’m starting to like it.

I look at the 19-year-old in my photo and I’m sorry I do not have her ideas anymore. But I am no less proud of who is here now – this woman that I’ve become. How I have wanted to throw in the towel many times! But I feel the winds of change and I figure another adventure waits behind the next door.

I encourage you to examine where you are on your journey. Is it time to open a door?

“But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
Though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightening creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.
On you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are.”
-from Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Suess – a book about the journey