My problem has been that I consider myself to be atypical. I write out how I feel, but once I know how I feel, I’m not afraid to show it. In my mind, this made for a well rounded, grounded me. What could be better than grasping the language of both sexes?

I read somewhere that the average American male has anywhere between 30-50 sexual partners in his life. I remind myself of this when I am with my female friends and they complain about their boyfriends or husbands who want sex “all the time”. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality. I enjoy being a sexual creature and wish I had a few female friends who felt the same. If I were a man, I could report that my number of partners is below average. As a woman, the world would have me believe I best not report at all about sex.

This part of who I am has always conflicted with what I was taught a woman should be, not only as a Christian, but just as a “good woman’ in today’s society. It has not been easy to sit through these years of church sermons about the sanctity of marriage anymore than it was to listen to the one night stand stories friends have told me. I had to create a happy medium – away from the guilt, while still recognizing that sex is important enough to only share it with someone that I love.

But that is easier said, isn’t it? Getting those two aspects of a relationship to line up is about as easy as getting a call back from the Pope. Because the twist is knowing what love is in the first place. And love, real love – even now I still question my ability to identify it. Factor in God and alcohol and I don’t know how anyone ends up having the nerve to proclaim their undying love in a legally binding ceremony.

I’ve been fumbling around lately, trying to figure out what all of this means to me. Could it be that because I have meshed love and sex together, that I am have trouble relating to both men and women? My women friends either don’t enjoy sex or feel guilty for enjoying it because they are no help trying to talk about it as a vital part of a relationship. And my male friends…. Well, today it feels like many of them want to have sex with me, but don’t see me as a viable person to have a committed relationship with because I’m not virginal enough.

There is nothing worse than feeling wanted for only part of who you are. As often as I have experienced the feeling that a man is only intoxicated by my sexual side, he must have felt the same emptiness for every woman who only wanted his emotional side and put his sexual needs on the back burner. I mean, if sex is not important, why does the entire entertainment industry revolve around it?

I used to be much more calculated in my relationships. Even before a first date, I knew how important a person would be to me, how much of my true self I’d reveal, how physically intimate I’d be. Of course, this was my way of protecting myself, to always be in control of the game. But this only resulted in me trying to be dictator of my emotions. I found that though I can control my will, I do not control my heart. I don’t know how many good men I confused with this control issue, but I imagine it was too many.

I now know a man who I suspect has a similar plan. He has very specific goals for his life and there is little, if any room for error. An error, if I understand him correctly, would be an emotional connection to a woman. I almost envy him for still believing he is in control of such a thing. While he is able to slice into me and allowing himself to love only parts of who I am, I look at him and wonder if he has ever been loved for all of who he is.
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Someday I may come to you and say
that I’ve turned my love away and I’m finally letting go
Someday everything may change and I tried to wish it all away
But I’m still waiting, filled with such disdain
It seems I’ll always be waiting
- Bullets of Orange “Listen”