Look, I’m not the most attractive woman around, but maybe I’m the most naïve. I actually thought he wanted to be my friend. !!! I even said that’s what I wanted. Told him how I need real friends. He obviously thought I was kidding. I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that this experience was the last straw. I owe it to myself and my male and female friends to explore this issue. To start, let me try to clear up a few common questions in the mysterious arena of male female relationships.

Why would a woman flirt with a man while insisting she only wants to be friends?
We are simply trying to hold your attention for more than 15 minutes. When we are little girls, the first time we win over someone’s affection for the simple reason of being "cute", we see that this is a wonderful power to have. We bat our eyes and Uncle Bob smiles. We cry and Daddy buys us a gumball from the candy stand. We shriek and Billy chases us around the schoolyard. He wants me! And it is so easy! By the time a girl reaches high school she is using an eyelash curler and she has no idea why. But it works! Reliable and comforting, it is a formula as old as the earth. And we take note of the fact that flirting = friendliness. Friendly, pretty girls get voted Queen of Hairspray High or Princess of Chess Club or whatever. We want friends of all kinds, male & female. We want to joke and laugh and pretend that you care because we are smart and witty and nice. But we are conditioned to believe that it’s the sexy woman who is powerful and loved and the homely girl is dull and pitied. We don’t know the difference between charm and sex appeal.

When a woman discovers that her "friend" is actually interested in dating her, or at least seeing her naked, why does she continue the false friendship, inevitably "leading the guy on"?
You may be surprised to find that this is not some sick little torture game we like to play. I, personally, do not know any women (or girls) who enjoy seeing their male friends try to suppress a physical desire any more than we would enjoy watching a small child cry for a chocolate bar at a very crowded opera. So maybe the charade continues because, #1, he asks her to continue it, swearing that he will respect her "friendship". And, #2, maybe she really enjoys hanging out with the guy and so desperately wants to believe him that she falls for it every time. Maybe she needs to believe that there is a man outside of her immediate family who wants to spend time with her only because she is smart and witty and nice, not because she wears a size 4 or has porcelain skin. It is a silly dream, but she needs it nonetheless.

So why even try? Why try friendship with a man if we believe it’s as rare as a decent latte in Oklahoma City?
Because what we really want (and I say this on behalf of all single women fully believing they agree) is a friend who becomes a lover, who remains a friend. A man, who picks us because he likes the way we think, wants to get to know every sentimental, bitchy, lonely, intuitive, strong crevice of our heart and mind. We want a friend who knows that our inner beauty is so great it puts to shame the years spent in front of the bathroom mirror. We know regardless of the tiara collection we "earn", we will catch our reflection in the supermarket glass door one-day and wonder who that old hag is. And if we make it to the pasta aisle without getting hysterical, we will either be thanking God for the friend we married or we will be praying for your early blindness.

So many men I have known are quick to date. It is these same men who "play" at being a friend, thinking they are being sly because they swear they just want to hang out and have a good time. All the while they’re hugging me a bit too long and saying stupid things like "I don’t want to say anything, but your boyfriend’s a loser." And "Can you rub my neck for just a minute, I think I pulled a muscle." Please! My all-time favourite scheme of these transparent men is the old "You could just stay the night/sleep/rest/lay down here. We’re friends, so there’s nothing wrong with that." There is nothing more insulting to me than a man who says he wants to get to know me but can’t seem to wait even a month before trying to get into my pants or even worse, assumes he has some sort of right to that expectation because he has Endured a while of a platonic relationship. The message I get is loud and clear "You are not interesting to me unless I get to sleep with you."

You probably think you are not one of those guys, right? And I hope to heaven you’re not. But if a girl tells you sometime what a great friend you are, don’t you dare think yourself insulted. For a woman to call a man a friend is a highest compliment. She is saying that she trusts you. Some people don’t even get that from their spouses. And any intelligent woman will fall in love with and marry a friend.

I know this doesn’t always happen this way. It is only what we want. But let me be clear, gentlemen – It IS what we want.

Mothers and fathers, teach your boys that friendship is not secondary to romance. Make sure he has plenty of female friends who he appreciates for their wit, creativity and conversation. Tell him when he is shallow.

As well, take notice that your daughter to be liked for her physical beauty is far too easy. Challenge her to show who she is on the inside by letting her get messy and unruly and opinionated at times. Tell her when she is shallow.

We all know that in the end of this life, we are lucky if we have one good friend. The sexual frills of a relationship dwindle off for most of us as we age. Though I am profoundly thankful for the times when my life has been dominated by passion, there have been many more occasions when sincere friendship with my man has kept me from sure disaster. A great deal of my happy memories includes names such as Chris, Tony, Jeff, Jerry, Scott and David. These are the rare men who loved me as I am and actually did just want to hang out. I value them, not so much because they never tried to feel me up, but because they took the time to let me inside their male world instead of keeping me to the side under false pretenses like some sort of sacred cow.
It is no coincidence that the man who currently holds my heart could easily be a college buddy of mine. Friends make the best lovers.

Penny René