I did not deserve to be in such a place – this I was sure. As I wrote, I thanked God for such a gift and marveled at the magnitude of that blessing.

About two months later I lay ill in my bed in Bucharest barely able to move, wondering if that was the night I would die. I was dehydrated, depressed and hungry and lonelier than I’d ever been. This, I decided, was a more suitable environment for such a materialistic person like me. I vowed that if I lived through my Romania adventure, I’d give my life over to serving others. I’d care less about fashion and more about compassion. I’d find a way to be a full time listener and problem solver for those who were the unlovely and suffering.

Last fall, I found myself at the Doubletree Hotel in Times Square, NYC. I had just come back from an incredible night on the town consisting of dinner, a musical, drinks and a cigar at the famous JR’s Cigar Bar in Manhattan. My hotel room was beautiful and when I opened my bedroom curtain, the lights of the city shone in like summer sun. I lay on my bed fully clothed and let tears roll down the sides of my cheeks. None of my fortune was my doing and I knew it. I wondered if my sister, mom or brother would ever be so lucky. I wished my friend Larry was there. I wondered how any of that would ever get me closer to a life of service to God.

Today a woman I worked with suggested I apply for food stamps, seriously explaining that I would probably qualify. I had just returned to work after finding out my car has a severe oil gush and is not safe to drive until I can gather the money for its repair. Never in my life have I been so stunned and the stark turns that can lead a person from one moment of bliss to the next moment of despair. The reason I am in such a financial predicament in the first place is that I could not accept another day of feeling forced into a life which I viewed as wasteful and superficial. The day I decided to leave my old life behind I knew what hard times might lay ahead, but it never occurred to me that the worst part would be dealing with my pride when well meaning friends offer me their financial help. At the same moment that I am amazed by their selflessness, I am overcome with feelings of inadequacy and anger. I do not want a handout! I am thinking. I want to work and be paid enough to live without this embarrassment. I want a moment of relief!

One of those days in Romania, I don’t remember exactly when, I stood in my room and listed to God all the things I would be willing to give up if He would take me in His hands and mold me into a woman who, not only did some good but the kind of woman would shake nations and change the world. On that list was every person I’d ever loved, (I named them one by one) every thing I’d ever owned (including my car, my clothes and my countless pages of writing) and all the daydreams I’d ever had about other things I could do(writer, minister, politician, artist manager). I’ve repeated this prayer more than a few times since then, always half hoping, half afraid that God would take me up on my offer. It would seem that maybe now He has.

I am less upset about losing my security than I thought I’d be. What makes me speechless on days like today is the idea that God is doing exactly what I began pleading with Him about six years ago and it has taken Him this long to believe I meant it. Not to mention the fact that He is probably just beginning and I have a lot more to lose than I thought I did. Still, in a surreal sort of way I feel optimistic that I may now actually get to see God in action. Who else can get me through this terrifying ride into the unknown where I’m without even my pride to protect me?