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Marriage

3 · Nov · 2001

Five times I have written a memo about marriage. Five times I have nixed it at the last minute because I kept thinking, “Who in their right mind would listen to my advice on marriage?” I see the way my friends ever so politely curve their words around the subject. I know it’s to spare me some pain. But, after all I’ve been through, I did learn something…

Most of the time, we go about finding a mate all wrong. We make promises based on inadequate information. We decide the course of a lifetime based on 3 months to a year (sometimes less) of study. We talk of unconditional love. We want that; intentions are good. But, ya know, just because you don’t move out of your house, just because you hang around, doesn't’t mean you’re keeping your promises.

My friends talk about love like the beginning is the end. But, to me, the beginning is a symptom of things to come. Love found. You’ve discovered its existence. You don’t know what it entails. You don’t know what the cost is. You don’t know what the reward is, or if you can bear either.

When someone proposes marriage to you there should be a few requirements met before you say yes: You should want that person more than you ever wanted anyone else. Anyone. If the sky were the limit, you were a star who held all the secrets of the world – this is the person you want by your side. They are not second best. They should be in a category all their own, someone you feel knows you as well as you know yourself. You want no one else to be the father / mother of your children. You never use the words “logical: or “smart” when explaining why you want to marry this person. Your last breath would be an expression of your gratitude for the days you spent together.

If you know these things to be true, beyond a reasonable doubt – no dirty lawyer could sway a jury to believe less – then say yes.

But there is a shred of confusion, a moment of unsurety, even if it’s three months into the engagement and the whole world is watching, be kind enough to rethink your path. The world will not be there when the deed is done and you lay awake in your bed wishing you had made a different choice. There’s no shame in patience.

Get to know the deepest wounds as well as the laughter of the person you love. Look at the possibilities from every angle. Count on all of those things to change in ways you least expect.

Then, when you do make it to the wedding day and your thoughts about this person are no longer thoughts but real as your very skin, know this – this love doesn't’t run out. The well never goes dry. You will love this person in all the good, every moment of the worst nightmare and you won’t be able to stop loving him / her even if they disappear from your life.
There’s the rub.

A friend of mine introduced me to an artist by the name of David Wilcox this past week. The following song he performs, written by Bob Franke touched me deeply and I hope, if you get a chance, you’ll take time to listen to it.

For Real
- (by Bob Franke)

Death took the husband of a neighbor of mine
On a highway with a drunk at the wheel
She told me keep your clean hands off the laundry he left
And don't tell me you know how I feel
She had a tape that he'd sent her from a Holiday Inn
That she never played much in the day
But when I heard him say I love you through the window at night
I just stayed the hell away

Chorus:
There's a hole in the middle in the middle of the prettiest life
So the lawyers and the prophets say
Not your father nor your mother nor your lover's ever gonna make it go away
Now there's too much darkness in an endless night
To be afraid of the way we feel
Let's be kind to each other
Not forever but for real

My father never put his parachute on
In the pacific back in World War II
He said he'd rather go down in familiar flame
Than get lost in that endless blue
Well some of that blue got into my eyes
And we never stopped fighting that war
Until I first understood about endlessness
And I loved him like never before

There's a hole in the middle in the middle of the prettiest life
So the lawyers and the prophets say
Not your father nor your mother nor your lover's ever gonna make it go away
Now there's too much darkness in an endless night
To be ashamed of the way we feel
Let's be kind to each other
Not forever but for real

Lucky my daughter got her mother's nose
And just a little of her father's eyes
And we've got just enough love
That when the longing takes me
It takes me by surprise
And I remember that longing from my highway days
When I never could give it a name
And it's lucky that I discovered in the nick of time
That the woman and the child aren't to blame

For the hole in the middle of a pretty good life
I only face it 'cause it's here to stay
Not my father nor my mother nor my daughter nor my lover
Nor the highway made it go away
But now there's too much darkness in an endless night
to be afraid of the way I feel
I'll be kind to my loved ones
Not forever but for real

Some say god is a lover, some say it's an endless void
And some say both, and some say she's angry
And some say just annoyed
But if god felt a hammer in the palm of his hand
Then god knows the way we feel
And then love lasts forever
Forever and for real

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
www.davidwilcox.com

___________________________

Can I go forward when my heart is here? - Romeo, Romeo & Juliet

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