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One Too Many

6 · Aug · 2003

I must be training me for something big.

I used to say this a few times a week. It was a way to encourage myself to go through whatever heartache I was experiencing without giving up the hope that things would eventually get better. I joked that the only reason I could figure that my life was so full of hard lessons is that someday I would be in charge of a something extremely important, say a small country. And everything I had learned through my failures would be the vital information I needed to pull off my new role.

I don't know if I was serious about this fantasy. Mostly, I scaled it down to thinking that I at least had a good shot at owning a successful business one-day or landing a knockout husband with the mind of Gandhi and the passion of Colin Farrell. Still, for several years now, I have been thinking it's just not my season yet; but it will be. At some point, this patience will pay off.

But with every blow to my ego, I alone must scrape up some courage to say those words. Because with each failed relationship or career, a little bit of that hope dies. The problem is that hope, like life, must be replenished.
While no person can ever take the place of another, the hope that something or someone better awaits simply must be found. At least for me that's how it works anyway. And let me say; finding hope in the dust of someone's departure or the remains of a bad career decision is a lot of work. It's become my full time job.

They say there are stages in healing from the death of a loved one and often people grieve their personal failures in a similar way. I believe this to be true because I spend a great deal of time in Stage 1: Denial. A lot of my energy goes into convincing myself that I could not have possibly cared as much about what I lost. With my heart in my throat I whisper to myself that it‚s no big deal. Something better waits.
Denial is much a drug for me as it is an art form. But one can only deny for so long. In the words of Ben Harper:

And now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

The following song is about grieving one loss too many.

Another Distraction

you held me in the palm of your hand
you closed me in your floating embrace
when my dreams fell to the ground
only in you I found escape

but what is left now that the sun has come up
what am I in your well crafted life
an honest heart will not be found
but to cry mistake is so cruel it's a lie

just another distraction on the way
to the life out there I believe lies in wait
just somebody I loved and can't forget
another detour, a different way

in this wake after the storm
what I miss most is our faithless plans
for all my hope of a passionate life
I would not find a better man

just another distraction on the way
to the life out there I believe lies in wait
just somebody I loved and can't forget
another detour, a different way

Penny René

Posted by Penny Rene at August 6, 2003 05:45 PM