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The Model

22 · Mar · 2000

My last weekend in OKC for a while... Since my cats and my parents schedule has been keeping me from sleep, I've had a lot of time to think and watch celebrity bios on TV. You ever wonder what you'd say if you were being interviewed?

You're this big star all the sudden. Teenagers mimick your style, fans hand you carefully crafted portraits of yourself to autograph, groupies scream at you from behind a velvet rope as you attend a friend's movie premier... Katie Couric says So, what do you think is the key to your success?"
Well, for some of you readers, I know that is actually pretty close to the way things already are. But for the rest of us, that's a loaded question.

I'm going to tell you a story I hardly ever tell. When I was about 16 or 17 I got "discovered". Sort of. Back then, I was really skinny. I know, but really, I was a stick. And I had been hearing this same line for about six years "You should go into modeling." I wanted to try it, but it takes a very secure person to demand that someone pay her for looking a certain way. And it took me six years to get the guts to do it.

I went to a John Casablanca's Model Search and they asked me to come back for an interview. My mother and I trotted up there one evening and met with the director of the agency. As we talked, she got more and more excited, pumping me up about what a wonderful career I'd have. I'll never forget this one statement she made: "I think we have found the next Cindy Crawford!" I think my mother thought she was as crazy as I did, but this woman seemed so sure of herself that I wondered if she may be on to something.

So, I took modeling classes. I went into the studio once or twice a week and I listened to lectures, applied make up just so, walked around in heels and let strangers scrutinize every inch of my body. It was horrible. The make-up was harlot-esque. I didn't like the other girls and I didn't like the photographers. The only thing about it that interested me was the equipment and analyzing the mentality of the people who happily participated.

After eleven weeks, I quit. The girl who supposedly had a supermodel career waiting for her, called her incredulous agent and said she didn't want it.
I will never forget that feeling of hanging up the phone knowing I had either just saved myself from a hideous life or I had ruined my greatest opportunity. I have visited that feeling several times since then. For example: Dropping out of college, when I moved to Romania and left Nashville, leaving Caffe Milano and artist management, turning down an opportunity to move to Coventry, England and leaving a great job offer and friendly arts community in OKC in 2000.

See, how do we know which opportunity is the one that will lead us to our personal fame and fortune? Some of my decisions in that area have been perfect. And some... you know. I have walked away from some things in my life that others would have found heavenly. I shake my head and say to myself "I must be crazy."

So, when I am daydreaming of what it might be like to be on the other side of the interviewing table, I discover what I believe my success will be made of: Perseverance, Faith in a God given vision and the willingness to take chances. A friend of mine reminded me of this quote the other day. As I go through my last week of this part of my journey, I pass it on to you... _______________________________________________________

I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. ~Henry David Thoreau

Penny René

Posted by Penny Rene at 04:39 PM

Dangerous Days

15 · Mar · 2000

Sinead O'Conner has a song- it was probably on The Emperor's New Clothes- with a line in it that I love: "These are dangerous days. To say what you feel is to dig your own grave." I think of that line sometimes when I'm at that point of 'do or die'. You know what I'm talking about? Those days when you know if you can just hang on a little while longer, for better or worse, you'll finally get some answers.

Dangerous Days
On Willowbrook Drive I had a window that led to the land of dreams
I watched the trees grow above the telephone wire and my heart burst at the seams
At night I would ride on a vapour of stars and follow the song in my head
As a kid I could go anywhere needed, even the land of the dead

But religion has a way of covering all the mystery that children know
And God has a way of remaining when everything else must go
When you know in your heart all the answers but the fog blurs all the words on the page
beware of the sun that is coming For that is a dangerous day
That is a dangerous day

He found me one day in a side street café and he looked like the picture of peace
He had eyes clam like moonlight and I was a vessel at sea
Through paperless letters he confessed every ache in his soul
though I believed every word it was still not enough just to know
I wanted to see past all of the tales and rescue the child inside
So when he went away, it’s true what they say, a part of me laid down and died

When you know in your heart all the answers but the fog blurs all the words on the page
beware of the sun that is coming For that is a dangerous day
That is a dangerous day

There comes a time in many a life when you’re broken and a choice must be made
When you’ve played your best hand with all of your charm, but feel you are losing the game
Outside of your self the world dances round and hardly pauses for breath
By some’s opinion we’re domed if we stop, but to me, it was all I had left
I could not have known the value of my forest until I examined each tree
I would not have found the love in this town if I’d put all my faith in me
When you know in your heart all the answers but the fog blurs all the words on the page
beware of the sun that is coming
For that is a dangerous day
That is a dangerous day

When you think everyone should go your way
That is a dangerous day

penny rene'

Posted by Penny Rene at 04:24 PM

Before You Knew Dido

1 · Mar · 2000

The reoccurring theme in my life, as of late, has been Appreciativeness. Is that word?

It is now. About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine in Nashville agreed to rent his beautiful home to Larry and me. His house is incredible. And he's a great guy, so I couldn't have asked for a better deal. While we talked on the phone, finalizing the arrangements, he offered to leave furniture that I might need or keep the utilities in his name so I could avoid paying a deposit. Of course I said No, but words cannot describe how thankful I am for his generosity and the quick thinking of our mutual friend who gave us the idea.

On that same theme, yesterday, a friend of mine at work bowed his head and said grace before we all dug into our lunch. And last weekend my parents helped me move for the umpteenth time. My mother's boss is storing my and Larry's belongings in his warehouse for a month – for free.

I have a list of people whom I cannot thank enough. Lately, I've been acutely aware of the good things that came my way, of which I am so undeserving. I lean toward self-pity too often. So much, in fact, that when I came across this song from a new artist I'm interested in, I focused on the pity. But now that I take another look, I think I finally get it.

THANKYOU
My tea's gone cold, I wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today, I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life.

~written and performed by Dido - a 26 year old Londoner who recently quit her
high paying job as a literary agent to become an artist.

Posted by Penny Rene at 04:13 PM